Now, Maude is the big boss lady, head dudette.  She keeps 'em all in line around the Bird House.  Her husband's name is Sam and he helps her a bunch runnin' the joint.  He even helps with their little ones.  You see, they has a passel of kids, 3 little ones and a big one, a teenager.  The big one's name is Little Maude.  She works there too.  She is the finest little waitress you could ask fer.  She is so nice and polite.  Just the other day, some old couple was hollerin' at her to bring 'em their possum stew afore it got cold.  That little gal was so polite, she not only took 'em their stew, she took 'em a whole box of crackers and two big soup ladles to eats it with.  I thought that was real sweet of her, 'cause they both had big mouths anyhow and they needed bigger spoons than normal folks does.

     Now, Momma Maude takes out grub to all the old folks and shut-ins 'cause they can't get out and about likes me and some of the other oldies around town does.  Just the other day she took some grub to an old gal and got the wrong door.  She walked right in there on this old codger sittin' there in his boxer shorts.  Well, Maude bein' the expert that she is, she remembered that old song, 'Don't look, Maude,' well too late, she already looked and saw that bird-legged rascal sittin' there in his boxers and that gal ran out of there just laughin'.  She was still gigglin' when she told us all about the incident.  We still calls it the great bird legs episode to this day.

     Flo is the main mornin' waitress after she gets back from runnin' all the country kids to school in her covered wagon school bus, pulled by a team of long-eared mules and one little pony as lead.  She is all the time sayin' she is about to blow up.  I ain't quite sure what she is talkin' about, 'cause she don't act mad, she just keeps on takin' off clothes and sweatin' up a storm.  Maybe she just got it wrong and is hot and really means to say I am about to burn up.  It could very well be, 'cause every time she says that, she runs over and flips on the air conditioner.  Come to think about it, I thinks that must be her problem.  She is just hot from fightin' all them mules and hateful little pony and puttin' up with them country kids.  Them kids might even belong to them outer space Ail-Yun farmers I already told you all about.  We never did find out where they was from.  Could have been out there in the country someplace where they had that flyin' saucer hid out.  For all I knows, the whole bunch of 'em could be livin' in the same flyin' saucer together.  That's most likely why all them country kids misbehaves on Flo's school wagon like they do.  'Cause they is all packed in that thing like sardines.  To the best of my knowledge, them flyin' saucers ain't very big in the first place.  Now, I ain't never been up close to one of 'em, but I hears rumors that they ain't real big.  That's what I am basin' my theory on.  Who knows what size they actually is?

     Well, I thinks we are goin' to leave the Bird House fer now.  Before they start chargin' us rent.  But, we'll go back; you can count on it.

Published in 2003

From the back cover:


Life In The Sticks is the author’s fictionalized

rendition of small town U.S.A. and the folks

that live there.  The writer has very carefully

woven many yarns into one almost believable

tale of people, places and critters using a

backwoods country dialect.  He has created

composite characters and places that create

a small town of like-thinking people and

added his slant of humor using critters to

make for a blended group of anecdotes.

Ken Harrelson’s first book was entitled Life In The Sticks, and was published in April 2003.  People from all over the country have hailed his first work as hilarious and true-to-life accurate.  Whether you live in the big city or a small community, you will be sure to find portrayals of somebody you have met or known.

Life In The Sticks, by Ken Harrelson

ISBN: 0-9717689-0-0

94 pgs.


     I thinks now I should tell a bit about the great ol' Bird House Cafe.  This is the place, the apogee of joints, the main focal point of town.  As a matter of fact, all the town's business is took care of there right on the spot.  We holds all kinds of politickin' meetin's there and we solve all the world's woes there on the spot.  All the county's farmin' and ranchin' standards are made right there at one of them big, long tables.  And of course, we has many church meetin's there.  Why just the other day, some old feller seen the light and repented of his deeds and Josie the cook baptised him right back there in the kitchen in the dish washin' sink.  Why Josie wanted to baptize him, I don't know.  I thinks it could of had something to do with him hollerin' at her the other mornin' about burnin' his eggs and possum meat.  I do know that the rascal was as dark blue as you can get when she let him up out of that sink.  I personally thinks she was tryin' to drown that feller.But, at any rate, he came up a new man; all full of joy and love for his fellow man.  He even volunteered to help Josie peel the spuds and dice up the onions.  I seen a big change in that old rascal, 'cause all he ever did before was gripe at the waitresses and Josie the evening cook.

Enjoy this excerpt from Life In The Sticks:

Chapter 9—The Bird House Cafe