Now, Maude is the big
boss lady, head dudette. She keeps 'em
all in line around the Bird House. Her
husband's name is Sam and he helps her a bunch runnin' the joint. He even helps with their little ones. You see, they has a passel of kids, 3
little ones and a big one, a teenager.
The big one's name is Little Maude.
She works there too. She is the
finest little waitress you could ask fer.
She is so nice and polite. Just
the other day, some old couple was hollerin' at her to bring 'em their possum
stew afore it got cold. That little
gal was so polite, she not only took 'em their stew, she took 'em a whole box
of crackers and two big soup ladles to eats it with. I thought that was real sweet of her,
'cause they both had big mouths anyhow and they needed bigger spoons than
normal folks does. Now, Momma Maude
takes out grub to all the old folks and shut-ins 'cause they can't get out
and about likes me and some of the other oldies around town does. Just the other day she took some grub to an
old gal and got the wrong door. She
walked right in there on this old codger sittin' there in his boxer
shorts. Well, Maude bein' the expert
that she is, she remembered that old song, 'Don't look, Maude,' well too
late, she already looked and saw that bird-legged rascal sittin' there in his
boxers and that gal ran out of there just laughin'. She was still gigglin' when she told us all
about the incident. We still calls it
the great bird legs episode to this day. Flo is the main
mornin' waitress after she gets back from runnin' all the country kids to
school in her covered wagon school bus, pulled by a team of long-eared mules
and one little pony as lead. She is
all the time sayin' she is about to blow up.
I ain't quite sure what she is talkin' about, 'cause she don't act
mad, she just keeps on takin' off clothes and sweatin' up a storm. Maybe she just got it wrong and is hot and
really means to say I am about to burn up.
It could very well be, 'cause every time she says that, she runs over
and flips on the air conditioner. Come
to think about it, I thinks that must be her problem. She is just hot from fightin' all them
mules and hateful little pony and puttin' up with them country kids. Them kids might even belong to them outer
space Ail-Yun farmers I already told you all about. We never did find out where they was from. Could have been out there in the country
someplace where they had that flyin' saucer hid out. For all I knows, the whole bunch of 'em
could be livin' in the same flyin' saucer together. That's most likely why all them country
kids misbehaves on Flo's school wagon like they do. 'Cause they is all packed in that thing
like sardines. To the best of my
knowledge, them flyin' saucers ain't very big in the first place. Now, I ain't never been up close to one of
'em, but I hears rumors that they ain't real big. That's what I am basin' my theory on. Who knows what size they actually is? Well, I thinks we are
goin' to leave the Bird House fer now.
Before they start chargin' us rent.
But, we'll go back; you can count on it. |
Published in 2003 |
From the back cover: Life In The Sticks is the author’s fictionalized rendition of small town U.S.A. and the folks that live there. The writer has very carefully woven many yarns into one almost believable tale of people, places and critters using a backwoods country dialect. He has created composite characters and places that create a small town of like-thinking people and added his slant of humor using critters to make for a blended group of anecdotes. |
Ken Harrelson’s first book was entitled Life In The Sticks, and was published in April 2003. People from all over the country have
hailed his first work as hilarious and true-to-life accurate. Whether you live in the big city or a small
community, you will be sure to find portrayals of somebody you have met or
known. |
Life In The Sticks, by Ken Harrelson ISBN: 0-9717689-0-0 94 pgs. $9.95 |
I thinks now I should
tell a bit about the great ol' Bird House Cafe. This is the place, the apogee of joints,
the main focal point of town. As a
matter of fact, all the town's business is took care of there right on the
spot. We holds all kinds of
politickin' meetin's there and we solve all the world's woes there on the
spot. All the county's farmin' and
ranchin' standards are made right there at one of them big, long tables. And of course, we has many church meetin's
there. Why just the other day, some
old feller seen the light and repented of his deeds and Josie the cook
baptised him right back there in the kitchen in the dish washin' sink. Why Josie wanted to baptize him, I don't
know. I thinks it could of had
something to do with him hollerin' at her the other mornin' about burnin' his
eggs and possum meat. I do know that
the rascal was as dark blue as you can get when she let him up out of that
sink. I personally thinks she was
tryin' to drown that feller.But, at any rate, he came up a new man; all full
of joy and love for his fellow man. He
even volunteered to help Josie peel the spuds and dice up the onions. I seen a big change in that old rascal,
'cause all he ever did before was gripe at the waitresses and Josie the
evening cook. |
Enjoy this excerpt from Life In The Sticks: |
Chapter 9—The Bird House Cafe |